Friday, July 29, 2005

Breakups for Action Movie-Obsessed Guys

Dude, I know it's like over between you two, and you're probably having to deal with all these, like, emotions and shit, and I know you're not good at all that so I thought I'd put together some words and pictures and things to help you through it. But in ways you'll totally understand and also maybe dig.

And I know how we spend most of our time talking about way cool stunts from movies so I'll them as examples.

You're probably feeling a bit like you've been set on fire and are running around totally trying to deal with that fact.

But you're thinking - hey, why can't it be different? Why can't I be the guy I really am, which is the guy who calmly walks towards the camera as the building/tanker explodes behind me?

Well wanting it won't make it happen. And anyway, here's the thing, right - if you see the breakup as a big explosion, you're already giving up. So we'll have to think of some other ways of thinking this shit through. And by ways, I mean stunts.

A really cool stunt is when a car goes up on two wheels and drives like that for a bit. Now, usually when that happens the person driving is being chased, and so they go up on the two wheels because they have to, like to drive down a narrow alley or to avoid running someone over. But sometimes, even if the chips are down, and you feel like you've just lost the use of one half of your vehicle and you're careening along in a dangerous way, you have to go "screw this, I'm doing a handstand out the window."

Another awesome stunt is when someone is riding a motorbike and then someone else steps out from behind a dumpster or something and hits them square in the chest with a big plank of wood, and the motorbike keeps on going but the guy riding it gets knocked back. That's so cool when that happens. But I can't find any pictures of it and also, it's not really a relevant metaphor for break-up situations.

Better yet is that old classic, when someone leaps a car from one building to another. I get so pumped up when that happened, and the hair on my neck goes tingling (only sometimes). I'm pretty sure you feel the same way. So what you have to think is that even though you've just smashed through a carpark barrier or maybe even a plate glass window, there'll be something on the other side to catch you, somewhere safe to land. And you probably won't be airborne for that long (but enjoy it while you are!!!)

Now if you're not, you know, driving a car and you go off the edge of something, that safe landing place might not be assured. This is especially so IF YOU ARE ON A MOTORBIKE.

I can't stress that enough. I shouldn't even have to stress it, you're not a baby. But you will know that even though driving a motorbike off or through something might not be the safest thing vis a vis the whole landing scenario, it doesn't mean you're stuffed. Because as you're falling, you can push off from the motorbike and fall separately from it. If you do this, it's pretty likely that you'll land in some water or at least roll when you land, and you might be bruised a bit but you'll be back on your feet in no time.

And don't forget, extra points for windmilling your arms and legs as you're falling, as if to say "WOAH!!!" but physically, not with words. I think it's what they call "body language" and I think I heard on Dr Phil that something like 90% of communication is through "body language". So the windmilling arms is pretty important. And I wasn't watching Dr Phil, I was just in the room when my mum was watching it (as is her wont).

But even if you haven't got a bike and you're falling, say if it's just you and a pair of skis facing the long drop, things will be alright.

Assuming you have a parachute (I'm sure you do). Otherwise you are pretty much fucked. I'm sorry to say it but you are. (The landing places I've been talking about are what you could call your "friendship network" or "circle of supportive listeners" and the skiing thing was just me wandering abit. Basically your friends will help you out.)

Oh and hey don't you love it when a car gets some air and spins over so it's UPSIDE DOWN??? That is so awesome. It's on a level of awesomeness I can't describe.

You're like the green car in this picture, and she's like the red one driving along next to you (actually drag racing) when WHAM! that green semi pulls out of nowhere and you go up over the front and - well, you can see for yourself. I suppose in this case the green semi represents your mum calling Jenny's mum and asking where you are. And the bits of metal coming off your car are like the last mangled bits of dignity you had falling away to the roadside (also she, the red car, will drive straight over them, further crushing them).

Let's talk helicopters, because they're going to come up sometime I suppose. You might think that after surviving the recent jump or whatever that you can handle anything, and you might get self-destructive. This is when you might decide to jump a helicopter.

I know I'm being a bit obscure so I'll spell it out - the helicopter in question has brown hair and she's always trying to sit next to you in Maths Methods. And if you try to jump her you will be lacerated by her spinning blades. Trust me, man, just trust me on this one.

So to finish off, I just want to say that even though you're essentially hanging from a rope being dragged behind the speeding army truck of love, or running along the roof of a speeding train of a relationship heading towards the low bridge of heartbreak, or trying to regain control of the falling plane called emotional wellbeing as the pilot named "Your Happiness" is slumped unconscious over the controls: even though all of these things are literally true (literally means not really), you can at least be safe in the knowledge that your good buddy is here to help.

Especially if the helping involves driving a hot car through some market stalls.

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