Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

A Sweet-As Tall Hat.

"Perhaps…if I had a tall hat. "

I have a friend who uses this phrase semi-regularly, in a number of ways. As a way of resolving difficult or pointless questions, as a way of employing the term “perhaps” more often, and sometimes just as punctuation.

It’s from the musical Oliver!, though she’s never been able to tell me in what context the phrase is said. So I’ve been thinking: what is that Oliver could (perhaps) do, had he a tall hat?

THINGS OLIVER TWIST COULD DO IF HE HAD A TALL HAT:

- Be forced to duck slightly upon entering a low-ceilinged room or walk-in closet.

- Remove it in the presence of his elders/betters.

- Not remove it when acting defiant towards elders/better.

- Throw it at Bill Sykes, decapitating him and altering the end of the whole freakin’ sorry tale. (requires Goldfinger style razors on hat brim).

- Get his picture into Teen Tall Hat Fancier magazine.

- Produce a rabbit or dove (with practice).

- Wear it in unusual ways, thus gaining the respect of his homies.

- Hide medium-sized objects (bottle of booze, collapsible sword, second bowl of gruel).

- Begin his vaudeville career.

- Conceal the onset of premature male pattern baldness.

- Doff it.